I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
