Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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