wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
