i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
