the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
