God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Drunk is a universal language darling
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
