just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
