The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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