dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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