NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
