i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We are all done wearing pants today
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
