You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
