That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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