It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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