You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
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