The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
