So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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