You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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