So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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