Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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