Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
