I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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