He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
