She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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