then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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