I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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