My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
