Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
