just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
