I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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