So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
