wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
