Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
