I'm going to jail i love you
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
