billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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