One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
