Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize