He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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