the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I love you.
Bad choice
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
