I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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