I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
