the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
