just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
