the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
