it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
