I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I need moral support for this bender
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
