I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
