Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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