i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
