I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
